The Kiwi

The Kiwi
Sometimes you meet people who you are sure are put on this earth just to test you. Now I believe I am a pretty easy going kind of person and make acquaintances fairly easily. But then you meet someone who just becomes so annoying that the only solution is strangulation.
When I was backpacking in Indonesia I came across a person who fits perfectly into the mold of a person that annoys me. It started one night when myself and a group of other backpackers were sitting around the bungalows we were staying at swapping travel stories, talking about where we were from and of course who scored the beast purchase through the crazy barter system they have in Indonesia. A guy from New Zealand, I will call him Kiwi, joined the group. Now Kiwi talked so slow it was like a Zen Buddist chant. On top of that almost every sentence ended in the word “Ay”. Pronounced like “Hay” without the ‘H’. He started telling his story of bartering with an Indonesian Carver for a hand carved chess board and pieces. I can tell you these sets are pretty impressive. So after a piece by piece description he got to the all import barter section of the story. He slowly retold the events along the lines of.
“And he told me his price ay. But I thought that was too high ay. So I offered him a lower price ay”
To make a long story short I asked “So how much did you pay?”
“Well ay” he replies “He told me another price, higher than I what I offered so I increased my price a little ay”
“Yeah, so how much did you end up paying?” I tried again.
“He didn’t like my offer but he reduced his price slightly ay”
Ok as far as I was concerned this story was taking far too long and no one around the table needed to be explained how bartering works. Especially in increments of Rupiah. The Indonesian currency. The Swiss Couple were just staring at him like he was mentally disturbed.
After about thirty minutes he finally got to the part where he and the Carver reached an agreement on price. Hoping to get a result on the story I said
“So that’s what you paid huh?”
“No” he says” I didn’t buy it because I don’t play chess”
Well there were moans and groans all round and I am sure more than half the people sitting at the surrounding tables heard me loudly sigh “Oh, for fuck’s sake”. I have to avoid this guy I thought. Either he will shit me to tears or I will kill him.
The next day I leave the bungalows as I am leaving Lombok to stay a few days on a small Island to the North West called Trawangan. I enter one of the many places offering transport to the port. I buy my ticket and the lady informs me that the bus will be about half an hour and to come and sit down out the front. She offers me a ‘complimentary’ Coca Cola which ‘costs’ me 1,000 Rupiah?!
The bus trip was relatively uneventful and I arrive at the port. I go to the hut that was the booking office for boats across to the small islands. There are a few options they tell me and offer me two.
1. Find three other people and pay 16,000 Rupiah each and charter a boat immediately. Or
2. Pay 1,000 Rupiah, put your name down on a list for the public boat.
I took option 2.
Now the public boat requires 20 people to sign on before it will depart. I spy a bar and decide I will wait in there. As I walk to the bar entertaining the thought of an ice cold beer I hear.
“You catching the public boat too ay?”
You fucking kidding me I thought. Shit, there in the flesh was Kiwi with that shit eating grin on his face waiting for the same boat to depart. Thankfully it wasn’t too long until they had twenty names so I downed the beer and headed to the boat. The boat was a long, high sided canoe kind of thing with a home made motor. I sat on my pack to get comfortable as I could. This made it difficult because the boat is supposed to carry twenty people and two crew. In fact it carried twenty back packers, two crew and eighteen locals. Then Kiwi started droning on about the different ticket prices for boats.
“You can pay 16,000 or 1,000 or I think even 10,000 Rupiah ay” he started. “You can charter a boat, go for a day trip. But I didn’t want as day trip I am staying longer ay, I wonder if you can get a boat on your own ay, I wonder how much that is ay”
I said “You got the cheapest possible ticket what is your issue?”
“It’s just amazing ay”
“Yeah fucking mind blowing” I sighed.
I noticed on the boat that there were only four lifejackets and they were secured to a beam with thick wire that would require bolt cutters to remove them. I asked the crewman why was this so and he dutifully informed “So they don’t get stolen”. Fair enough I thought. I turned to Kiwi with a sly grin and asked.
“Can you swim?”
“Nar, not too good ay” was the reply.
He looked at me confusingly and I couldn’t help but laugh.
The Island called Trawangan is only three kilometers square and almost pancake flat except for a hill at one end. One morning a group of us decided to walk around the island before it got too hot. Kiwi came bouncing along like a puppy off its leash. On the far side of the island you could think you were the only people on Earth. Uninhabited, peaceful, silent. Then Kiwi starts up with his “Chess Board” story as he has a new audience. It crossed my mind that I could drown him here and the chances of being caught were minimal. It would be a mercy killing anyway. Over the next few days he managed to annoy the living shit out of everyone who came into direct contact with him. Most of us were heading off the island the next day and he asked the group what time boat had we decided to catch in the morning.
There was a slight silent pause.
I jumped in and said “The 9:00am boat” A few people went to correct me but then wised up real quick. The next morning everyone but Kiwi was on the 7:00am boat to peace and quiet.
I traveled for the next two weeks without crossing paths with Kiwi. It was getting near the end of my stay so I headed back to Bali for my last few days. On my last day I was heading to a little place that does the best fried noodles with veggies on Bali to have one last feast before going home. I was about to walk in and heard “Hey ! I slept in and missed the boat ay. Didn’t manage to catch up”
“Gee shit that’s bad luck we thought you left before us” I said. Before he could talk I pointed to another food place and said “Hey there is a bunch of us about to have a feed around the corner at Poppy’s. I just have to change some money so I will be there in a few minutes “. He wandered off in the direction of Poppy’s looking for people who weren’t there.
I collected my pack and caught a bus to the airport to get my plane home.
As it drifted down the runway I thought “I bet he will haunt houses when he dies”