Commuter Man

Commuter Man

The biggest problem with Public Transport is having to catch it with the General Public.
No one can possibly enjoy catching trains in Melbourne these days. They are overcrowded, if and when they do come on time, and not too dissimilar to a freezer room in winter or a Swedish steam bath in summer. And just to really keep you down there aren’t any Swedish folk to steam bath with!

So here is my proposal to make the daily commute just that little more pleasant. First we need to match certain people to a specific carriage. This is mandatory segregation, but a reasonable person will appreciate that it is for your own good and you will be with people just like yourself. If you don’t like it, then you really only have yourself to blame.

Here is how it pans out.

Carriage 1.
People with Ipods and other Personal Musical Devices.
This one is pretty much stock standard. Get everyone with the personal music devices on the one carriage and they can welcome in early deafness without annoying the “boom-box head” next to them, as they will be doing the exact same thing. On Friday and Saturday nights you could put in strobe lights, a few lasers and a mirror ball for all those coming home after a too many disco biscuits at the nightclubs.

Carriage 2.
Book Readers and Laptop Users.
This is carriage is for those who get annoyed by the sound of a mosquito farting. So there isn’t any huffing and slamming shut of books, this carriage can be broken down a little further. … The ‘Mouth Breathers and Lip Movers’ will be separated from those of the species who are a little more evolved and who can read and breathe through their nose at the same time. This deformity of a distraction could see you end up in Carriage 6 if not corrected.

Carriage 3
People with Prams and Small Children.
This will put all the parents with screaming kids in the one box where they can run riot and not annoy those who either have control over their children or would rather stick a fork in their eye than be near your child. Those who sleep on trains will be allocated to this carriage as well. The carriage is not your bedroom, we are not in your house, your poor sleep patterns are not our concern. Those who suffer from sleep apnoea will have no problems staying awake on this carriage and will arrive to work bright eye and raring to go.

Carriage 4
School Kids.
Whilst we will endeavour to put all the school kids on the one carriage, it may be unavoidable that they will spill over into other carriages. Fear not, they will not be able to occupy a seat, rather, they will all be required to squat for their journey to curb any kind of enjoyment and desire to walk around the carriage. Also, if any student uses the words “like” or “whatever” more than four times in one minute, they will be removed at the next station. So if you are capable of doing the math then you will have worked out that most students won’t make it past two stops.

Carriage 5
Mobile phone users.
Here you can sit with a carriage full of other people who need a skin graft to remove their phone from their ears. Together you can think that everyone else on the carriage actually cares about your inane and pointless conversations, that really can wait until you get home. Mobile phone users please read Additional Information at the bottom of the page for further details of new Phone Usage Regulations.

Carriage 6.
Social Lepers
The last carriage. The back end. The last in line. This carriage is for Drunks, Junkies and Those Who Don’t Wash. This will be an old style open top Cattle Cart carriage. There they can dribble, yell, sing, stink, swear, vomit, piss and howl at the moon. If it rains, some of these pillars of self disrespect might exceed their one shower per week average. Consider it a community service.

Additional Information.

Phone Usage Regulations.
We have installed new technology that only allows you to make 45 second calls from your mobile phone. After 45 seconds the call will be disconnected. Your phone will be blocked from calling that number again for the next half an hour or until you leave the train, whichever comes first. This is ample time to say what you need to communicate. It is quite simple. You dial your Significant Other, Guardian or Dependant and say “Hi, it’s me” (because everyone you call knows who “me” is). The reply will be “Oh Hi!”. You then say “ I am on the train and will be arriving at ‘insert Station name here’ in half an hour.” When they reply “Ok” you say “See you then”. Now providing you don’t have a speech impediment and you can construct a basic sentence then you will still have time to say “I love you”. So there it is, all done and dusted. Other commuters really don’t give a stuff about how your day was. Bore your Other Half to death with those ‘amazing’ details.

Junk Food
Junk food will no longer be allowed on carriages There is nothing worse than a self mutilating slob attempting to navigate their way around a McDonalds Big Mac Meal right beside you. It stinks and face it the majority of these people shovelling junk food into themselves on trains could do themselves a favour by not eating it. Yes, we are referring to you “Tubby”. Now if you really must have your daily intake of fat and sugar in one meal 15 minutes before you get home for dinner then you can get on Carriage 6.

The MX Newspaper.
MX Newspaper is actually an oxymoron. This pathetic excuse for journalism will be banned from all trains and will no longer be given out for free at stations. This rag has the integrity of a Woman’s Day article and the credibility of the men in white lab coats at the Ponds Institute. It is for your own good as you will actually become stupider by reading it.

Bicycles.
No bicycles will be allowed on any trains. You have a mode of transport so get on and start peddling Lycra Boy.


So there you have it. All neatly packed away so one of you might actually crack a smile on tomorrows stopping all Stations train.
Enjoy your newly revamped rail travel as best you can.
I am driving to work.