S.W.M. - Seeks Peace and Quiet.

S.W.M. – Seeks Peace and Quiet.

When you come out of a relationship you usually turn to your friends for emotional and moral support. Whether it be someone to just sit and listen to you complain about the last so many days, months or years of your life or someone to hit the town with, get completely smashed and act in a manner that definitely would not attract a new partner. For the females someone to hold the hair out of your face, while you expel the contents of your stomach after a night of nachos and Tequila. During these tough and uncertain times we all seem to think we can determine who our real friends are. Those who will stick by you through thick and thin, will drag you out of the pits of despair, stop you from getting arrested and take a bullet for you. But you soon find out that all you want is for most of your friends to take a bullet and leave you in peace.

All your friends have utterly ridiculous ideas that they shove down your throat under the banner of “good intentions”. They all have a best friend, a relative, a friend at work or the neighbours mother’s sister in law’s step daughter’s cousin who they think would be a perfect match for you and that you should commence planning a wedding right away. What gives people the idea that the very first thing you want to do after ending a relationship is to immediately start another with someone who sounds too good to be true. Ever noticed that the most suitable people on the planet have never met the right person? That speaks volumes in itself. If they really are that good then why are they still single and why hasn’t your friend started dating them? I will tell you why. It is a sympathy set up. Find two people down on their luck and stick them together in an attempt to make two wrongs equal a right. What is wrong with being single for a while? Enjoy the freedom of being yourself. Doing what you want, when you want, how you want, with who you want. I will tell you what is wrong with it. Your friends hate it. It makes them cringe and lose sleep. This is why they will try and deprive you of it. They are jealous that you can do all the things they can’t. The can’t stay out all night then sleep in until noon, go two days without bathing and have banana and baked bean toasted sandwiches on the living room floor while watching re-runs of COPS on television. I will give you this tip for free; whoever can bottle “no responsibility” will make themselves a fortune.

When I came out of a long-term relationship last year I thought I would try and beat my friends to the punch and made a general address to the Nation. I said
“I want to be single for the next year. I am not on the market. I am not available. I do not wish to know about any perfect matches, be set up or to go on blind dates. I do not want to be sent links to internet dating sites nor have friends make a profile on one for me in my best interest. I want to go surfing. I want go out and have a good time with friends. I want to sit around in my boxer shorts, drinking beer and watching Clint Eastwood Westerns”

I thought this was pretty clear but it seems to have been interpreted as “I am desperate and single please tell all your friends and do your best to introduce me to them in the most difficult and uncomfortable circumstances.”

Often when you are conned into a blind date or you are invited along to make up the numbers the only thing you have in common with your new future partner is the fact you both think that your friends are ignorant imbeciles for believing this obvious set up would work in the first place. You get told the day after about how they saw you laughing and enjoying yourself with their friend they set you up with. It slays them when you tell them you were both laughing at the short comings and inadequacies of the very people who thought you would be a match.

Your friends always know what’s best for you. The only comfort you have is knowing that when they end up single you will be as painful as they have been. This will all be under the good intentions banner of “returning the favour”.
There is no escape from this behaviour. Your viewpoint and actions all depend on your current relationship status. You think you will be different when your time arrives to help, but you won’t. It is all part of our desire to help and the idea that we know exactly what other people want and that we know best.

There has to be something in all of this though. We seem to have longer lasting friendships than relationships no matter how much our friends push our sanity.

With friends like these who needs enemas?

Coffee - It's Not An Artform

Coffee – It’s not an art form.

I just want a coffee. A nice steaming, hot, comforting mug of black coffee is all I want. Is that too much to ask? We apparently so! Try ordering one next time you are in a café and see what happens. You will spend more time answering questions in relation to how different you would like your coffee from the way in which you have ordered it. It is easier to choose a program from 200 channels of cable television than it is to order a coffee. Does anyone really know what a Grande double shot non-fat extra caffeinated vanilla soy latte is anyway?


We need coffee to wake up in the morning. It is all part of the process, part of the way the earth keeps turning and part of the socially acceptable addiction we enjoy. So the last thing we need is to recite the equivalent of Pythagoras Theorem at 6am to someone who is one of those insanely happy “morning people”. But I am sure if you went into a cafe stated your order as “In a right angled triangle the square of the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides” then the machine and it’s overly excitable operator would spring into life and they would whip up a caffeinated concoction, that even N.A.S.A. scientists would have a difficult time deciphering, then smilingly charge you five bucks for it. There is just too much choice which mean can only mean there is no longer a focus on the standard black coffee thus reducing its quality.


Once you have finally worked out the way your coffee is to be made the next bone of contention is what you will drink it out of. Firstly I think is it an absolute insult to charge you for a coffee then put it into a Styrofoam or cardboard cup. This is a crime against humanity the same way serving beer in plastic cups is. It should be an indictable offence with a minimum penalty of being savaged by wild dogs. You wouldn’t buy a crystal vase and package it in barbed wire so why make a quality coffee and treat it with such contempt. Now when I am having my coffee inside an establishment I want a mug with a handle. A big mug with a big handle. I don’t want my coffee in a glass that ends up hot enough to fuse my fingers to the side of it. I don’t want a cup that is about as deep as a saucer with a handle so small you can’t even put your smallest finger through it. Remember we are attempting to drink these while still half asleep so the required dexterity isn’t always quite with us.
While we are at it don’t get fooled into these so-called large coffees they sell these days. They charge you an extra buck or two and all they do is add more water. It is a “larger” coffee not a “stronger” one. So in effect you have just paid extra for a weaker coffee. Include robbed while asleep to the list of charges.


So let’s keep it simple when it comes to our coffee. Coffee doesn’t need to be confusing. Confusion is the very thing we create from consuming too much coffee.
So how do we solve all this hassle without becoming one of the boring, socially inept and often deluded tea consumers that try to convince you tea is good for you? Simply buy some good quality coffee, a big mug, a $60 percolator and make your own at home. Don’t be fooled into believing that making coffee is an art form.
Wake up and smell the coffee people! Or as in most cases, drink the coffee and wake up while smelling that sweet and powerful Arabica bean scent of victory!